10/11 The excruciating wait

The leaves are falling in our yard these days. When we first saw her picture the spring flowers were blooming. The wait has gone from "this is OK" to..."this is hard"...to "this is excruciating". I know how many days it has been. I have counted them again and again. This many days from referral to LOI..this many days to PA...to LID. I do my daily projections...if we find out today, it will take this long for the next step, this long for the arrangements, this long to fly. I have a matrix in my mind of how long it has taken for others -- I compare and contrast...figure in the variables and make my forecast.

And then it dawned on me...we have waited and waited for what seems to be a long time. A time of silence, a time of not knowing, a time of what ifs and uncertainty.
We are so close but it seems like so much farther away than that.
And what dawned on me is that our daughter has waited. Not just a few days...not just a few months or seasons. She has waited a lifetime. A lifetime of wondering or maybe not even wondering anymore. I counted the days for her. # of years x 365 days = more days than any child should ever wait. Hundreds and thousands of days. Our wait is excruciating. Hers has been...I don't even want to say...I know we cannot understand what that kind of waiting and that kind of longing and that kind of hoping has been like.

There is a certain aspect of waiting that is like grief. You cry, you agonize, you hope only to have those hopes squelched by another day that passes. You long and that longing goes unfulfilled. Life goes on and you find ways to move forward.

This is all to say that I think this waiting is good. Not that I would have chosen it but maybe it has been necessary. In some small way we can say to our daughter that we know what waiting is like too. We longed and hoped and waited and hopefully this present sorrow will help us to connect with her on some deeper level. To know that we have waited for each other...with an ocean between us.

2/13: Sausage on a Stick

It is Chinese New Year and we've gone to the local celebration to see what it is all about. Lots of families dressed in beautiful traditional outfits, music, arts and food. A group of girls played stringed instruments on stage and there was a dance troupe...and a Mariachi band as well.

Outside they are selling dumplings and sausage on a stick. Later, we bought a cute little pig to mark the "Year of the Pig". We'll take that pig to China to meet our daughter some day.

And best of all -- a Chinese friend gave us two little paper lanterns. They are hanging in our house in hope of a bright future. Those little lanterns will come to mean a lot to us in the long days ahead.

And "sausage on a stick" ?? The meaning of that will have to wait for another post

12/2: Is he always that difficult?

Today we are sitting in a room with an assorted group of people at our adoption agency. Some couples, some singles but all with questions and excited about the possibilities that the future may hold. One by one, the friendly folks from the agency rise to talk about each part of the process. Applying, choosing a program, fees, wait times, requirements and qualifications. We chose this agency on the recommendation of a friend who had done this before. We like their friendly, warm attitude. We didn't know what to expect -- it was a good presentation and they've made us feel at ease.

Walking in the door, we knew we wanted to adopt a girl from China. That was much was clear to us. Over the previous months, we had come to that conviction independently. We are pretty much open to a lot of other possibilities regarding age, health and possibly two at the same time.

With all the preliminaries done, we get a chance to meet a parent and child who made the journey in the past year. The little girl is as cute as can be. Then another child and family enters the room. A sweet little boy and so well behaved. One man says with a smile on his face, "Is he always that difficult?" and everyone laughs. We are so looking forward to this journey. My wife has one word -- Cute. That translates to "We are so doing this!! I am way on board.

1/24: The first big step

We've made it through the initial hurdle of the application. We submitted that in December and today we paid the processing fee to get the ball rolling. We combined our money with an anonymous love gift from our church to pay this first fee. Hundreds down and thousands more to go! We were so encouraged by this gift. Given by someone, unknown to us, and who has absolutely no idea what the money would be used for. It is just one more evidence of God's leading and direction in all of this. He is going ahead of us, providing and protecting us all the way. Each concern I've had has been laid to rest, one by one.
Would we have enough money? Would our financial status meet the requirements for the process? Would others see us as good candidates?

We are taking our time in this stage. We could be moving faster but we want to make sure this is the right thing. Each step costs more money and we are becoming more committed with each signature. It will be a big change in our life. It is still inconceivable that this is happening.